


I’d trust you with my heart (even after all this)

by necromimetics



Series: Even after all this [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Getting Back Together, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, alec lightwood would do absolutely anything to make magnus bane happy, they’re literally soulmates change my mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:44:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromimetics/pseuds/necromimetics
Summary: It hurt, it hurt more than anything he could ever imagine. More than taking an arrow to the chest, more than losing his parabatai. To think that he might be causing even a fraction of this pain to Magnus made Alec’s knees shake, wanting so desperately to fall to the ground and beg Magnus for forgiveness, beg him to take him back. Anything, anything he could do to take that broken look off the other man’s face.But then he remembered Magnus, drunk on the balcony, the night he was going to propose.“Don’t make me pretend this is just a phase. What I’m feeling now...it may never pass.”Alec took another step back, his legs threatening to collapse under him, and then he bolted from the room like a scared animal.——————Malec reunion! Also Catarina gives Alec a talking to.





	I’d trust you with my heart (even after all this)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in an airport and I have no regrets it makes me happy. Also I love Catarina.

“Alec you have to go see him.” 

Izzy stood firmly at one end of Alec’s desk, hands planted against the wood. Alec stood away from her, facing a bookshelf and staring at it with laser-like intensity.

“You know I can’t.”

Izzy sighed, straightening up and making her way along the length of the desk until she was standing right behind Alec.

“Big brother, you can’t hide from me.” 

“Seems to be working fine currently.” 

“You won’t snark your way out of this one. I can tell how much you’re hurting and I can tell how much Magnus is hurting.”

Alec took a step forward, shaking his head slightly. 

“Alec, listen to me!” Izzy grabbed his forearm in a vice grip. 

When Alec still didn’t turn to face her, she took a deep breath. Time to bring out the big guns. 

“He’s refusing treatment. He’s at Catarina’s, but he won’t let her touch him until he’s seen you. He’s hurt and he hasn’t recharged enough to heal himself but he won’t even take so much as a sip of water or a spark of magic to help until he’s seen you.” 

Izzy felt Alec’s entire body tense. She let go of his wrist.

“Go to him,” she said softly. 

Alec turned on his heel, not so much as making eye contact with her, and headed out the door. 

He found himself on Catarina’s doorstep what felt like mere seconds later. His breathing was a little uneven. Had he run here? He had no recollection of the journey, Isabelle’s words had set him on autopilot. By the time his brain had come back online, he was here, hand poised to knock at the blue door in front of him. 

He took a step back, needing a moment to consider. What was he going to say? How was he going to keep up an apathetic front standing before an injured Magnus, the same Magnus he had held in his arms and prayed with every fiber of his being to be alive, to be safe, just yesterday? When Magnus had looked into his eyes and seen the fear and the grief? 

Before he could formulate a plan, the door swung open. Again, his body moved before his brain could catch up and he took a few steps inside.

“Here to see Magnus?” Catarina stood, arms crossed, leaning against the wall outside the guest bedroom.

Alec nodded, unable to make eye contact. 

Catarina gestured inside the room, stepping aside slightly. 

“Good. He’s been demanding to see you before he lets me lay a hand on him. Stubborn idiot.” The last phrase was pointed, directed inside the room. 

She took a few steps forward. 

“Go on.” 

Alec took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and headed towards the room. Catarina seemed to consider something for a few seconds before grabbing his wrist, pulling the shadowhunter to face her and speaking in a hushed tone. 

“I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Magnus. But I know enough. And I have my head on straight enough to connect the dots Magnus is too upset to.”

Instinctively, Alec turned away, but Catarina held strong. 

“You break up with Magnus even though you obviously love him more than anything. Asmodeus appears, summoned through a warlock conduit, and then just gives Magnus his magic back? I don’t believe it for a second.” Her grip tightened, nails digging into the skin of Alecs wrist. “Look at me, Alec.” 

Alec turned back to her.

“Magnus is my family. I’ve known him for centuries. I knew him when he was with Camille. I’ve known him through thousands of relationships. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has hurt him the way losing you has. I know you were trying to do the right thing, but you have to be honest with him now. Or I will be.” 

Before Alec could even formulate a reply, she was gone. 

Steeling himself, the shadowhunter took the final few steps so he was standing in the doorway to Catarina’s guest bedroom. He knocked politely on the half-open door and was greeted with a gentle, “Come in, Alexander.” 

The first thing he was faced with upon stepping into the threshold of Magnus’s room was a simple sentence that felt like a vice grip on Alec’s heart.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Alec’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the warlock. He was propped up on some pillows, his hair flat against his forehead and memories of the night of Magnus’s seizure cut through Alec like a knife. 

Upon receiving no response, Magnus continued.

“After I closed the rift. You held me in your arms and you kissed my forehead. I remember.” 

Alec was studiously avoiding eye contact, shifting nervously on his feet.

“I know you, Alec. You aren’t shallow. You wouldn’t leave me for losing my powers and then fall in love with me all over again the second they’re back. You aren’t wired that way. So if you broke up with me, if you don’t love me anymore, why did you kiss me?” 

Alec set his jaw, turning away to look out the window. Catarina’s words rang in his head. But he couldn’t tell Magnus. If he told Magnus, the deal would be off, he would lose his magic. Even if Catarina had been telling the truth about him being different from Magnus’s previous lovers, he wasn’t above the warlock’s magic, the very thing that made him who he was.

“I’ve already told you everything I need to tell you.” He tried to force the words to come out harsh, but he couldn’t. His voice was shaking. He cursed his own vocal chords for betraying him. 

“I came here so that you would take treatment from Catarina. Izzy asked me to do it.” 

Not a lie, per se, but not the whole truth. 

Silence fell over the room, with Alec still focusing outside the window, his entire body forced rigid, and Magnus, brow furrowed, examining the shadowhunter in front of him intensely. Alec’s words had just shattered his already broken heart, grinding the pieces into a fine powder, but he wouldn’t accept Alec’s evasions. He was getting answers.

Alec’s continued silence was turning Magnus’s pained curiosity into anger and he shook his head slightly, red sparks flickering at his fingertips.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood if you don’t come over here right now and look me in the goddamn eyes I’m going to get up and drag you down here myself, injuries be damned.” 

As if to accentuate his point, the window Alec was looking out shattered, finally forcing Alec to move away slightly. 

Another beat of silence and Alec took several short steps over towards the bed. 

Before Magnus could say anything, Alec spoke. 

“Please don’t make me do this.” 

It was barely even a whisper, so low Magnus almost missed it. Alec turned his head up to lock gaze with Magnus. The normally stoic man’s eyes were filled with tears, threatening to fall, and his lips were set in a thin white line, desperately trying to hold himself back from crying. 

All the anger drained out of Magnus’s body immediately, replaced with a look of confusion. 

Alec repeated himself.

“You don’t understand, Magnus. Please don’t make me do this.” 

“Then make me understand, Alec. You’re not making any sense. You have absolutely no idea what I’ve been going through without you and none of this makes any sense! I know you well enough to know you’re hiding something. Please let me in.” 

With this, the warlock reached out and grabbed his shadowhunter’s hand. Alec jerked minutely under his touch, but didn’t pull away. 

“Please, help me understand. Why would you break up with me if you still care about me? Why would you break up with me if you still love me? You do still love me, don’t you?” 

Alec’s only response was a tiny, almost imperceptible nod. 

“You still love me,” Magnus repeated softly. A statement now, not a question. “Then come back to me. Come home. We can talk about this.” 

It took all of the resolve in the world for Alec to pull his hand away from Magnus’s and take a step back. A broken noise of protest ripped out of Magnus and the sound made Alec stop moving. It hurt, it hurt more than anything he could ever imagine. More than taking an arrow to the chest, more than losing his parabatai. To think that he might be causing even a fraction of this pain to Magnus made Alec’s knees shake, wanting so desperately to fall to the ground and beg Magnus for forgiveness, beg him to take him back. Anything, anything he could do to take that broken look off the other man’s face.

But then he remembered Magnus, drunk on the balcony, the night he was going to propose. 

_”Don’t make me pretend this is just a phase. What I’m feeling now...it may never pass.”_

Alec took another step back, his legs threatening to collapse under him, and then he bolted from the room like a scared animal. He shut the door fully behind him, pressing his back against it and trying to regulate his breathing. 

“Coward.”

His eyes darted around the room for the source of the noise, settling on Catarina, sitting in an armchair and holding a book in one hand.

“You-you don’t understand,” he protested weakly.

Catarina snapped the book closed, setting it next to her. 

“What I _”understand”_ shadowhunter, is that I was wrong about you. Magnus was so happy with you. And you were good to him. You were good _for_ him. He would talk about you, endlessly, about how kind you were and how brave you were. And I thought maybe he had finally found someone- something- worth holding onto. But this?” Catarina gestured at Alec, still leaning heavily against the door. “This isn’t brave. And this isn’t kind.” 

With small, measured steps, Alec made his way closer to Catarina, sitting in the chair across from her. 

“Catarina...I...”

He swallowed, and then leaned closer to her slightly, speaking in a low hiss.

“You’re right. I made a deal with Asmodeus. But he wasn’t supposed to get free, I made the deal through a conduit and then she closed the connection. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is...I can’t tell Magnus about the deal.”

Alec’s silence forced Catarina to continue. 

“And why not?”

“Those were the terms. Asmodeus told me that he would give Magnus his magic and his immortality back but only if I ended our relationship. He wanted me to break his heart. And he told me that if Magnus ever found out-if he ever knew that we made the deal, it was off. I-I love Magnus more than words and being away from him is killing me. But I can’t risk him losing his magic because of me. Not again. I could never do that to him. I could never...condemn him to living a mortal life with me when he could have his magic, his immortality, his identity, back and then have, I don’t know, centuries to get over me. I’m going to die anyway, Catarina. I’m a soldier. Could be next week, could be in fifty years but I’ll die. He’s always known that he’ll have to lose me, he knew it when we started all of this. So he can deal with it now. He has forever.” 

Catarina was silent for a moment, pursing her lips and sitting back in her chair. 

I understand.” 

Before Alec could say something else, Catarina held up a finger to silence him.

“But I’ve known Magnus far longer than you have. This isn’t what he would want. He gave up his magic to save your parabatai, Alec. Do you think he didn’t know what he was doing? He’s lived long enough to see warlocks lose their magic, or give it up. He’s seen what it does to them. And of course that didn’t prepare him...a warlocks magic is so integral to our being, nothing could have prepared him. But he knew that, and he made that choice for you, Alec. He decided to go through this suffering so that you wouldn’t have to. Do you understand?”

More silence. Deafening. Alec clenched both his hands into fists against his thighs, blunt fingernails digging into the meat of his palms. 

“I don’t know what to do.” The words were absolutely broken, so full of regret and heartbreak and pain. The man seated across from Catarina was not a leader, he wasn’t the Head of the Insitute or a powerful shadowhunter. He was just a boy. 

“I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that Magnus will appreciate honesty. He understands how manipulative Asmodeus can be.” 

Alec took a deep breath. 

“I just need...a minute. 

Catarina nodded and stood up, heading into the kitchen and leaving Alec alone. 

With a shaky breath, Alec leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, resting his face in his hands. His entire body felt like lead, Catarina’s words and Magnus’s running through his head wildly. 

The only thing that drew him out of his thoughts was the gentle creak of a door from across the room, and then the padding of feet. At first, Alec didn’t look up, but then the movement suddenly stopped. 

“Alexander.”

Alec turned his head slightly, his eyes meeting with Magnus’s. 

“I thought you’d gone. I didn’t hear anything. I suppose Catarina must have soundproofed the room.” 

“Catarina’s in the kitchen. I’ll go.” 

Neither of them made an effort to move. 

And then the question forced itself out of Alec’s lips, before he could bite it back.

“Would you do it again?” 

“Do what, Alec?”

“Give up your magic. To save Jace. Knowing what it’s like, would you do it again?” 

Magnus closed his eyes, letting the sparking feeling of his magic run through his veins, buzzing under his skin. 

“A few days ago? When you told me you couldn’t bear to lose me? When you stayed with me? The answer would be yes. In an instant. But now? Why would I.” 

Magnus spit out the last few words like venom, and they stung Alec all the same. 

Alec mulled the words over, biting his lip. 

_“Magnus would do it again,”_ he thought. _”He would give up his soul so that you wouldn’t have to give up a part of yours.”_

“Magnus,” Alec said, finally sitting up to make full eye contact with the warlock, “I have to tell you something.” 

Upon looking at him fully, Alec realized how weak Magnus still looked. He’d completely depleted his magic only last night, and been injured as well, with no treatment. 

“Sit down. You look like you’re about to fall over.” 

Magnus grimaced and tried to take another step forward, but Alec could see his legs shaking. 

He stood up immediately, making his way to Magnus, but not touching him. 

Magnus reached out a hand towards Alec’s shoulder, and Alec bent down, letting the shorter man wrap an arm around Alec’s neck and lean heavily against him. Hesitantly, Alec brought one hand around Magnus’s waist to properly support him. 

“Maybe the bedroom would be best. I seem to have severely overestimated my ability to move.” Magnus gave a humorless laugh that cut Alec like glass.

Carefully, Alec helped Magnus back into the guest bedroom, gently laying him back down before retreating a few steps. 

The silence in the room was suffocating.

“You had something to tell me, Alec.” 

“I-yeah...I do.” 

A couple deep breaths, just to make sure he could get the words out properly.

“I went to your father.” 

Magnus’s reaction was immediate, shock spreading over his face like he’d been slapped. 

“You-it was you who summoned Asmodeus?”

Magnus was about to continue, anger coloring his face and giving him new energy. But he quieted when Alec held up a shaky hand.

“Please. Just let me finish. You can yell at me all you want afterwards. I deserve it.” 

When Alec assured that Magnus had settled back in the bed, he continued.

“I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t watch you be in pain like that. So I summoned Asmodeus through a warlock conduit, and I asked him what I could do to get your magic back.”

The moment of silence was enough for Magnus to make the connection, and he pursed his lips, waiting for Alec to say it aloud.”

“He asked me to end our relationship. And he told me that if you ever found out, the deal was off.”

There were a million more things Alec wanted to say. He wanted to apologize, beg on his knees for forgiveness, kneel in front of Magnus, the man he loved more than anything in the world, the beautiful, incredible, generous man that he didn’t deserve, and beg to be taken back. But he didn’t. He was just silent, waiting for Magnus to guide him, head bent and eyes focused on the ground.

“Come here, Alexander.” 

Alec looked up, and Magnus was holding out a hand towards him, a small smile playing across his lips. The first real smile Alec had seen on him for- Raziel, he didn’t even want to think how long. 

So he obeyed, stepping over to Magnus and taking the offered hand in his own. Magnus scooted over in the bed slightly, making room on the edge of it, and the offer was obvious. Alec sat down, resting their clasped hands on his thigh and gently running a thumb over Magnus’s knuckles, reveling in how right it felt, like they were made for each other. Then he spoke. 

“You aren’t angry with me?” The surprise was evident in his voice.

“I’m very upset with you, Alexander. But I know you. I’ve always said you’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right. I should have expected you to pull a stunt like this.” 

Alec made eye contact with Magnus again, and the smile was still gracing his lips. His eyes were sparkling a little, in the way Alec missed more than he would ever admit to anyone. Alec felt his entire body relax, his shoulders drooping a little as he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. 

Magnus considered him for a moment, eyes roaming across Alec’s features, a tiny thread of doubt coiling in his stomach like a snake.

“Just...to be clear. You didn’t mean any of the things you said to me...”

Alec’s eyes widened, his head jerking up as he tore his eyes away from their clasped hands. His grip tightened. 

“Of course not. Magnus, I love you. More than I love anyone. You mean everything to me, I would never...leave you...not by choice.” 

He closed his eyes.

“I would never hurt you. Not by choice.” 

The words hung heavy in the air. Alec opened his eyes, staring into Magnus’s with conviction. He turned towards the warlock, bringing his free hand up and cupping the other man’s face. 

“Nephilim love once. I do believe that. I love you, Magnus Bane, and I will love you until the day that I die.” 

“I love you too, Alexander.” 

It was Magnus who leaned in first, pressed his lips against Alec’s. And it was Alec who disentangled his hand from Magnus’s so he could wrap it around the warlock’s waist and pull him closer, his other hand trailing from Magnus’s cheek down to his neck. But both of them felt the same unmistakable relief, the sense of belonging, like two puzzle pieces finally finding their place slotted together. It felt exhilarating. But it also felt like home. And in many ways, it was.

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking of writing a third part where they talk through everything that happened and all of their issues and they both just sorta put everything on the table and then have loving reunion sex. Sound off in the comments if u want to see it.
> 
> EDIT: I’ve started writing part 3 but it’s actually not gonna be reunion sex it’s just cuddling and talking about emotions. Soft content.


End file.
